Sinking, Dreaming, Loving
A short story about being dissociative and in love. (ONGOING)
Prologue
as I sink into this deflating mattress,
I sink into the deflating mattress from five years ago,
and as I sink into those five years,
I sink into the night where we first met,
the night,
your night,
my night,
our night.
as I sink into dreams painted as memories,
the truth of what happens when my body touches the ground pains me,
i will wake.
why do all of my dreams arrive forever late?
1
The music filling my thoughts vanished. An action I don’t believe my words were worthy or guilty of. I take out my headphones, although my Walkman is empty.
“Chance, you have bipolar disorder, not ‘My legs don’t work’ disorder,” said my best friend Will. He removed his beanie by throwing it onto his dashboard. Will never missed out on the chance of showing his long golden hair. The chance’s name today was Margo, or maybe Marie.
Recalling names requires improvement.
Will put his car into park. “We’re going next week. All of us. You with your crossed up wires, Andy with his polka dot kissed face, and Sara with her elf ears and nose.”
“Dude, screw you,” Sara said from the back. She had been laughing, but she still gave Will’s seat a solid kick. Sara had those features, but she never wanted anyone to speak it. “If we’re all messed up, what’s your feature?”
Will smiled in the mirror and said, “I’m the driver.”
“The reckless driver,” said Andy through his face mask.
“Sorry, couldn’t hear you, did you say the sickest driver?” Will laughed at his own joke.
“I don’t see why we have to do it next week.” I said while flicking the ends of my pilot hat. Winter and I had a very complicated relationship. I was born in February. So, I should enjoy it. But I hate the cold. No, maybe not the cold itself. I hate the feeling of being cold.
The kind of cold where it hurts to breathe and when you do breathe all you can think about is not being cold any longer.
The winter is when I gained life, but the older I became, the more I realized it gave me everything opposite of such.
“We must do this during the upcoming week since graduation is finished; we are now college freshmen, including one freshwoman, and this is our initial winter with no outside instruction.” He took out his key and placed it in his pocket. “But first we are going to meet Mira and her friends.”
Mira.
We misfits exited the pale blue Civic and sighed. Cold but not unbreathable cold. My fingerless gloves (self done by me) were already touched by snow as we walked into the local coffee shop.
Our little group lived in the suburbs of Hilliard, Ohio.
Was it boring?
Yes.
Was it draining?
Yes.
Did we love it?
Yes.
It was ours, and we were its, and together our friendship had grown into a powerhouse. Everyone knew Will, which meant everyone knew me, and everyone who knew me, may have known Andy, and those who may have known Andy, didn’t know Sara.
However, regardless of our relationships, the four of us remained inseparable.
“Yo, Will!” said Steve. He owned the coffee shop because his parents owned the coffee shop. During high-school, Steve had been the main cashier in the small room where students purchased unhealthy snacks that weren’t sold in the main lunch line. Steve would always let us get cookies for free, a trend that followed him to the present. He pulled back his long hair, giving his sharp nose and puffy red eyes more light. “Your coffees have already been served, Mira has them at the table.”
“Thank you,” said Will, he and Steve were friends before I had been friends with Will, and I had been friends with Will since we were ten. “How’s your mom doing?”
“She’s doing wonderful,” said Steve with a laugh, “her and my dad are going to LA for the winter. They don’t want any time spent in the blizzard that’s brewing.”
“I don’t blame them,” said Will. He removed his coat and placed it on the rack.
I removed my coat and placed it under his. Andy placed his under mine, and Sara kept on her coat. I followed Will to the table. Andy followed me, and Sara followed him.
Three misfits, no more, were present when the public observed the four of us.
I slid into the booth across from Mira. Will sat next to Mira, and Andy sat next to him. Sara slowly analyzed the seat, and then the table, and then the coffee cups, and then the floor, and then the seats again, “Sara,” I said. “It’s fine. You can sit.”
Sara nodded and said, “Thank you.” With a deep inhale of courage, she sat in the booth with me. The dark brown sleeve of her leather sleeve pushed into my arm. I don’t believe Sara knew how close she was to me. She was too busy analyzing her surroundings, and when she is doing such, she does not care for those around her. We don’t even show up in her line of sight. All she cares about are the things, not the people.
“Sara,” I said as I grabbed my coffee. It’s too hot for me too drink but warm enough for me to hold.
“Sorry,” she said. Though she wasn’t sorry. Because as a group we had told her years ago there was nothing for her to be sorry about.
“So, Will, are we going or not?” asked Mira as she leaned into him. She sounded like a mistake.
Not a mistake that ruined lives.
But the kind of mistake where someone uses the wrong tool for wood shop. Like if I used a hammer on a screw on a brick. Mistakes that wouldn’t ruin your life but would never take you anywhere for long.
“We are going,” said Will, he drank his coffee, which wasn’t really coffee but a means of ignoring the sour reactions us misfits had for his answer. “One entire week of nothing but snowboards, trees, hot chocolate, and the songs of love.”
“Oh, I can’t wait,” said Mira. She was not like the other girls Will had spent his time with. She was the first to have dyed hair, pierced eyes, and a smile that didn’t scream, ‘I LOVE IDIOTS.’
Brain, you are being too impolite.
“Your friends are still coming, right?” asked Will as he finished the coffee that was not really coffee.
Mira smiled at me and said, “Yeah, of course they are. We’ve been talking about it for weeks. They can’t wait to meet your friends.”
Sara ticked in a way that was aggressive and fearing. She was angry, she was angry that she had been scared.
“Yeah,” said Andy less mockingly than I would have. “What did you tell them that would have them so eager to meet us? Did you tell them about my skin condition? About Chance’s bizarre mind? Sara’s fear of unseen attackers?”
“I told them you were friends with Will,” Mira said, either because she didn’t care or was too out of it to think, “and if Will trusts you, you can’t be all that bad.”
Her answer would have been better if she had just said yes to Andy’s question.
Will being Will, read the responses on our faces before he tried to change the subject. Placing his arm around Mira, he easily relaxed, stating “They aren’t just my friends. And Andy, she’s met Chance before, and he likes her, right?”
This is the second question I hated most in the world.
The first being, ‘Are you okay?’
To lie or to truth, that was my endless dilemma in life. “Mira, you’re pretty exceptional. I know you didn’t mean it in a harming manner.”
“I’m pretty sure you said something like that last time,” said Mira.
I shook my head and darted my attention to those ordering. “I don’t think we’ve ever met.”
Mira showed me a very pleased smile and said, “Oh, so you’re the joker in the group.”
Someone’s leg brushed mine, and it had happened more than once. I was too distracted by Mira’s eyes to check who was in a game of footsies with me. “Sometimes they call me Loki.”
“Mischief and madness,” said Mira.
“More like madness and madness,” said Sara.
2
Four doors close and four misfits enter Andy’s home.
We always hung out at Andy’s place because it was his parents’ place. Will and I share a dorm room, and Sara lived in a dorm of her own. We went Andy’s because it had the most room and his parents weren’t the kind to hover over us.
Andy lived in the furnished basement with a stereo and TV. Which was more than my shared room with Will had.
Once we were all settled, Andy switched out his mask. His mask now was red and white, striped like a zebra.
Will turned on the stereo. “So, what did you two think of Mira?”
“She’s not your type,” said Sara. She checked her chair before sitting. After her fifth look over, she sat and crossed her legs.
“Which I believe is a good thing,” Andy said. He laid on his bed and added, “You need someone isn’t like the last ten girls you’ve dated.”
“That I do agree with.” Said Sara. “There’s no need for any more Amy’s.”
“Or Nina’s.”
“Pepper’s.”
“Lisa’s.”
“And definitely not anymore, Wendy’s.”
“Especially Wendy’s,” Andy and I said together.
“What was so wrong about Wendy?” laughed Will as he sat next to Andy.
“Dude,” I said between chuckles, “She pick-pocketed you, taking your keys and wallet, stole your car, drove it to Florida and then called you from Seattle to tell you she left your car behind with her ex-boyfriend.”
Will nodded, his lips shaped in various ways, then settled with a smile. “But she was freaking hot and did things none of the others had.”
“Yeah,” said Sara, “none of them stole from you.”
We all laughed and reminisced about the old romances of Will until the conversation shifted to plans for this coming weekend.
“So, who’s going to snowboard and who’s going to ski?” Asked Will.
I picked at the skin of my wrist beneath my watch. “I think I’m going with the board.”
“I’m going with skis.” Said Andy.
“And what about you, Sara?” Will asked. He took out a pack of gum and offered it to the rest of us.
Andy took a piece, moved his face from our eyes, and when he had the gum in his mouth, he covered his face then turned back to us. I took my piece of gum and gave the pack back to Will.
Sara shook her head, “I’m not doing either of those.”
“Come on, dude,” Will pleaded. “Don’t you want to enjoy yourself at least once? Think of the rush of shredding down the mountains. The chance to feel limitless.”
Sara looked up at Will, a small smile creeping onto her face. “Me, limitless? Dear Willy, don’t you know I am the opposition to the definition of limitless?”
Will smiled and shook his head a bit, chuckling quietly. “I didn’t forget, I just will never be the one to say you are limited.”
Sara and Will said nothing again. Their relationship was one built on pullback and baiting. Will baited Sara to be more, Sara pulled back on letting him believe he had succeeded.
I didn’t know which of the two would give up first. Will’s will was embers. Sara’s stone. To help mediate the room from becoming radio silence, I looked at Will and asked, “How long do you think it’ll take for Mira to steal your car?”
A smile broke out on Will’s face. He laughed and replied, “You know, I never thought about it!”
We spent hours again conversing about the trip and how now that it was official, we would all have to prep and pack. At the end of the hour, Sara stood from her seat. She stretched her legs and arms and looked at me when she finished and asked, “Want to walk me home?”
I stood up and rewound my Walkman. “Of course.”
“Stay warm, you two,” said Will. He looked ready for a nap.
“Ring me when you make it,” said Andy.
“Will do,” I said.
I then followed Sara upstairs and outside. I zipped my jacket to my neck. Put on my fingerless gloves and snugged my hat tighter around my ears.
Sara led the way. She ignored the wind as it pushed her braids through the air.
Luckily for us, mostly myself, Andy’s home was only a few blocks from the college.
“You aren’t limited by the way,” I said.
Sara scoffed and said, “Excuse me?”
“From earlier,” I replied. “You aren’t limited.”
Sara stopped in her tracks. “Look, Chance. There’s a difference between what I tell Will and what I tell you.” She placed her hands in her pockets. I watched her lips curve into a small smile. “I tell Will I can’t do things because he doesn’t like knowing I don’t want to do things. He thinks he has to fix the things that make us, us. He takes Andy to public places to make Andy feel less afraid of his appearance. He takes you on double dates in sunny places to remind you that neither love nor happiness is out of your reach. And he wants to take me to situations like snowboarding to show I can overcome my fears of the world.” Sara was no longer smiling. “Will needs to learn he can’t fix us because we aren’t broken.”
“You’re right,” I said as I watched the small cloud of my breath dissipate before landing on her face. “But I also know Will wants the best for us. He’s wired differently than the three of us, so he doesn’t see it the way you do.”
“Will isn’t different from us,” she said. “His disorder is out in the open for the world to see, and disorders such as his, mask themselves as normalities amongst others.”
“What disorder does he have?”
“Look close enough, you’ll see it when you do.”
The walk ended at Sara’s dorm.
Before she went inside, she looked at my coat pocket and said, “Chrysophobia.” Sara removed my hat, placed it on herself, then vanished into the halls.
I sighed and walked to my dorm, sinking into the realization of my friend’s presumption. When I reached my shared room, my fear sat on my desk, waiting for me to either obey or to deny it. I picked up the orange bottle and stared at the white paper wrapped around its frame.
Xavier Shields.
Xavier Shields.
Xavier Shields.
Xavier Shields.
I read my name again and again, simply to delay the moment of my consumption of the bottle’s contents.
I thought about some of the most beautiful things I could think of to fill the time left until I had no choice but to drink the swallow the nulling medicine.
Without the pills, I am a wandering cloud in a burning storm.
With the pills, I am a fuzzy speck floating in the endless.
Tonight, I am a speck.
Tomorrow, perhaps I will be endless.
